Supporting those with ADHD

I once attended an ADHD-focused training for mental health workers where the speaker said something that made me feel seen and heard. They made the point that people with ADHD put a lot more effort into daily tasks than those without ADHD.

This struck a chord in me because, for a long time, I believed that I wasn’t living up to my expectations and because I wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe if I tried harder, I could be on time for everything, be proactive about deadlines, and stop getting distracted.

Of course, this is true to a degree. These areas of my life did improve when I put more effort into them. The reason the speaker’s comment stood out to me was because it validated the fact that I was putting in a lot of effort; it just wasn’t translating into results immediately.

So what does this have to do with supporting someone with ADHD?

First, it’s important to recognize the array of ways that ADHD can show up. From zoning out during class to interrupting people during conversations to being constantly late can all be signs of ADHD. While learning to manage ADHD symptoms without an official diagnosis is possible, it can be reassuring to speak with an ADHD specialist for an official diagnosis. This also opens up the door for medications, if you are considering this route.

Second, validate rather than judge. When someone with ADHD falls short of meeting your expectations (again), it may not always appear that way on the surface but they may be more disappointed in the results than you are. Blame can lead to shame, whereas validation can lead to motivation. A misconception about validation is that it can seem like allowing unacceptable behavior. The difference between validation and allowing unacceptable behavior is that accountability exists alongside validation. The person with ADHD who fell short of meeting expectations understands that what they did was wrong and that they are responsible for their actions. They also understand that they are not inherently flawed and that they have a lot of work to do to manage their ADHD to prevent something similar from happening again.

Third, help us prioritize. Sometimes, ADHD can make everything feel urgent and important which can lead to either paralysis (not doing any of the important tasks) or hyperfixation (think, organizing your closet when you have a paper due that night). If you notice someone with ADHD acting out of the ordinary, please ask if they are feeling overwhelmed. Then, offer to guide them through the process of prioritizing all the tasks and filter through what’s urgent and important and what’s not. Using a calendar can be helpful during this process because you can time-block tasks and create structure. More on time blocking here.

Parenting teens with ADHD can be a challenge. As you help them navigate from adolescence to adulthood, remember that managing ADHD symptoms is a lifelong journey. The more patient you are now (while still holding them accountable), the more you will have a positive impact on your teen’s ability to manage their ADHD symptoms.